Money Matters: Article I

February 7th, 2010

Divorce is often devastating financially. In my case, my ex went bankrupt with our family business and we lost just about everything. Talk about starting over…. So, I decided to download some information on money matters to help you cope.  One of my readers has published a book and when I can find out more information about her book, I will post this as well. Have not been able to reach her.

In the meantime, I found three articles about money & divorce, all  of which appeared in a few days of one another. Here is the first one:

Getting a divorce is a messy business, both personally and financially. Don’t be in such a hurry to reach a settlement that you make these costly financial mistakes:

Having unrealistic expectations. “Divorce will put a cramp on your lifestyle,” asserts Violet Woodhouse, author of Divorce & Money: How to Make the Best Financial Decisions During Divorce. One household is about to be split into two. Unless you’re a rock star–or a Rockefeller–expect money to be a little tight.

Not communicating. If you don’t share information with your spouse or your lawyer, you’ll just end up paying for the legal work it’ll take to get it.

Getting into an endless battle. Turning the courtroom into a battleground will drain your emotions and your finances. Pick your battles wisely and “don’t end up paying for your lawyer’s kids’ education,” advises John Crouch, a family law attorney who practices in Arlington, Virginia.

Getting hung up on the numbers. A fair split is not necessarily an even split. Woodhouse counsels her clients to assess their tolerance for risk before deciding how to divide their financial assets. One spouse may not mind taking over a risky stock portfolio; the other may prefer the relative security of a bond fund.

Focusing on the present and not on the future. Make sure you understand the financial implications of your decisions. Rather than accepting a BMW worth $35,000, for example, consider taking a mutual fund with the same current market value. The car will depreciate; the fund, if chosen wisely, probably won’t.

Forgetting to assess tax. Don’t forget to factor in the tax costs of every financial decision you make. For instance, two stock portfolios of seemingly equal dollar value might really be worth completely different amounts, depending on capital gains.

Overlooking important information. In the struggle to keep your divorce simple, make sure you have information on absolutely everything that will affect your financial future: all assets, investment funds, retirement pensions, and so on.

Failing to untangle all joint finances. Keep your finances mingled and your financial future could be jeopardized if your former spouse defaults on payments, commits fraud, goes bankrupt, or becomes disabled. You might also be liable for any debt that your spouse has incurred under your name. Make sure you have worked out a way cut or minimize all financial ties that bind you before the divorce rather than after it.

Failing to take into account the amount of time you’ll to get your career back on track. If you gave up your career when you got married, it probably won’t be easy to jump back into the workforce. Don’t be surprised when the costs–both financially and emotionally–of resuming your old business turn out to be greater than you’d thought.

From: www.forbes.com Top Financial Divorce Mistakes by Leah Hoffman


Tags:
Posted in Articles on Divorce/Marriage | 1 Comment »

FULL COURSE DIVORCE: Act Four, (Final) Scene Four

February 2nd, 2010

Note: In this short, final scene, things are looking better, so I searched my photos for the prettiest flowers.

ACT FOUR

Scene Four


Bekka

How did it go in court, Mom? Does Dad have to pay the premium?

Kate

Yes, and he also has to pay for the court fees, even though I took him to court. The judge was going to fine him, but ordered that he pay the court fees instead. Now the policy is secure for your education.

Bekka

I’m sorry you had to go back in court. I know how much you hated it when you and Dad were divorcing.

Kate

Yes, but I felt much more confident this time, because I knew your Dad had violated the terms of the divorce.

Bekka

He has a hard time keeping his promises, I think. He always tells me we’ll do all these terrific things and then he backs out.

Kate

Yes, he did that during the separation and divorce proceedings. I think he has grand ideas and then can’t live up to them. I am sorry he disappoints you.

Bekka

It’s okay. I’m old enough now to know that parents aren’t perfect.  But today was a good day for you. Let’s celebrate!

Kate

I got an idea! How about if we both get a manicure and then go out to eat?

Bekka

Wow! I’ve never had a manicure. But I’m starving. Can we eat first, please?

Kate

Absolutely. First dinner— and then a manicure.

Bekka

Can I have my nails painted orange? It’s my favorite color.

Kate

Orange? (She shrugs) Why not? I’m gonna get me a full set of nails and I may just paint mine green!

The two walk off stage, Kate’s arm around Bekka’s shoulders, and Bekka’’s arm around her mother’s waist. Both of them are looking at their free hand in anticipation of their manicures and a full set of nails!

The End

Posted in About | 1 Comment »

FULL COURSE DIVORCE: Act Four: Full Set of Nails

January 26th, 2010

Act Four

Full Set of Nails

Scene One

This scene takes place in the courtroom. It’s the last of Kate’s “trial by fire” as she negotiates for what she can get to survive as a single mother. Her lawyer’s name is Bill.

Note: Since this is Kate’s “trial by fire” courtroom scene, I downloaded “fire pictures.”

Kate

Bill, I don’t think I can take any more of this bullshit. Mitch is lying right and left. He is accusing me of adultery, when both of us agreed to an open marriage concept, which obviously did not work.

Bill

Look, Kate, your husband went bankrupt and you have lost everything. Let me at least get you some decent alimony and child support for you and Bekka until you get on your feet.

Kate

OK. But my heart is pounding and my stomach is churning and my head feels like a bowling bowl with two holes leaking all my common sense.

Bill

I promise it will only be a few minutes longer.

(Addresses the Court)

Your honor, my client will be leaving the area to look for a job in New York. She has custody of their daughter and will need to reestablish herself financially, so we ask the court to be generous with child support and alimony.

Mitch

(blurting out of order)

But, your honor, she ’s an adulteress!

Judge

(addressing Mitch’s lawyer)

Your client is out of order. (Pause) I don’t know if this allegation is true, Mr. Mitchell. But since you are here for a no-fault divorce, this issue is irrelevant, Besides, even adulteresses have to eat!

Bill

Thank you, your honor. We realize that Mr. Mitchell is bankrupt, but Mrs. Mitchell was his partner for 15 years in the business, so his loss is hers as well. She has been out of her field for almost two decades and will have to start all over again. She plans to return to college for a master’s degree in journalism.

Judge

That’s very admirable, but in Mr. Mitchell’s financial situation, which I reviewed last night, he cannot be expected to pay for his wife’s education. His alimony and child support reflect his current situation and will be re-evaluated in six months.

To Mitch: Mr. Mitchell, I have reviewed you current job income and household expenses, based on the financial statement your lawyer submitted. I believe you have an obligation to your family and award your wife $150 week alimony and $75 week child support for the next six months. Then it will be reviewed.

Mitch

But, your honor….(His lawyer indicates him to be quiet with a shake of his head.)

Judge

Your first payment of $225 is due in 10 days, then each week thereafter on the first Monday of each week. Is that clear?

Mitch

Yes, your honor.

Judge

All the other terms we discussed will be spelled out in my report, which your lawyers will receive in 10 days to two weeks. Case dismissed.

After the court hearing, Kate goes limp and puts her head between her hands, face down, so she does not have to look at Mitch. Her lawyer pats her on the back and whispers something to her. She nods and he leaves. Kate takes out her cell phone and calls her sister.

Kate

Pat, it’s over. I was awarded $225 a week for the next 6 months; then a review. But the house, the business, and the furniture are gone with the bankruptcy.

Pat

Oh, I’m sorry, sis. But now you are free to move back to New York and go to school.

Kate

I didn’t tell the court I had already been accepted to journalism school and had a full scholarship based on my income.

Pat

Now you’re getting smart. The less Mitch knows, the better, because he will only use it against you later.

Kate

I can’t believe how vindictive he was! I never thought he would be so mean in court.

Pat

Fear will do that.

Kate

Fear of what? That I was going to get a lot of alimony? Or ask for my shares in the corporation? Like I told him when he gave me a million shares at $1.00 each while the business was going under: “Mitch, a million times zero is still zero.”

Pat

You’ve got that right. Now, how ‘bout if I treat you and Bekka for dinner? Joe is on a business trip and won’t be back until tomorrow.

Kate

That sounds great! You know Bekka loves Chinese food, so how about if we go to that new restaurant in town?

Pat

Gotcha! I’ll met you there a little before six and I’ll make a reservation. It’s a new restaurant so it’s likely to be busy. Everybody in town is trying it.

Kate

OK. See you later. Thanx, sis.


End of Scene One, Act Four

Tags:
Posted in Articles on Divorce/Marriage | No Comments »

FULL COURSE DIVORCE: Act Four: Scenes Two & Three

January 24th, 2010
In these two scenes, Kate seems to be gaining back some of her confidence, so the pictures I chose are those of flowers or flowering trees, since flowers are a sign that winter has passed and spring has come.

Act Four

Scene Two

Six months later

Kate

(Talking to her sister from her apt. in N.Jersey outside  NY)

School is hard, but I love it. We visited a newspaper here and spoke to some of the editors. I had a chance to speak to the food editor, since that’s my focus. She actually shares a job with a male editor and they look at the restaurant and food scene from the male/female angle.

Pat

That’s great! And how is Bekka doing in her new school?

Kate

She’s made some new friends and she misses her old ones. So do I.

Pat

Yes, but you’ve got each other to lean on. That’s important.

Kate

Right! You know she’s a night owl and I’m a morning person. Getting her up in the morning is a major chore. Then at night she wants to talk and all I can do is mumble. But she’s a good kid and I am so happy she’s with me. When she visits Mitch, it always takes her a day or two to get back to herself. He’s dating someone now and the last time she was at his place, the woman slept over. Bekka said she knocked on their door to ask Mitch something and when she went in, his girlfriend was holding the blanket under her arms and was obviously naked underneath. She really got upset.

Pat

Bekka only goes there on week-ends once a month. Can’t he keep his pecker in his pocket on that one week-end? God! Men!

Kate

I know. I can’t even think about dating yet. But I did speak to my old boyfriend Harvey in Florida and he invited me for a visit. He’s been divorced 10 years.

Pat

If you want to go over a long week-end, I’ll watch Bekka.

Kate

Thanks. Let me think about it. Harvey was really sweet on the phone. He let me cry on his shoulder a little.

Pat

Good. Just don’t have a pity party if you go down there. Go to have a good time.

Kate

I know. I’ve spent the last six months feeling sorry for myself and that’s over. I’m ready to return to the land of the living.

Pat

Great! Oops, gotta go. I have a customer. Speak to you later. Love ya!

Kate

Love you, too. ‘Bye.

End of Scene Two



ACT FOUR

Scene Three

Middle of Courtroom Procedure

Bill

Your honor, six months ago my client was awarded child support and alimony as part of the divorce agreement. Included in that agreement was the ruling that Mr. Mitchell would also pay the premium on the one remaining insurance policy that the bank did not take as part of Mr. and Mitchell’s business. Mr. Mitchell negotiated with the bank to save this one policy to pay for his youngest daughter’s college education in the event he died before she completed her education. Now he refuses to pay that premium. My client, Mrs. Mitchell, would like to explain why.

Judge

Mrs. Mitchell, remember you are under oath.

Kate

Yes, your honor.

Soon after our divorce, my husband, that is, my ex-husband called to ask me if I would allow him to change the insurance policy from whole life to term, because the premiums on whole life were too high. I agreed so long as the conditions of the first policy were maintained. Then he called back a couple of days later to tell me he wanted to add $10,000 to the policy that would be designated to his new wife. He married right after our divorce was finalized.

I called my lawyer Bill and he advised me to tell Mitch that if he wanted to insure his new wife, he should take out a separate policy for her. I relayed that information to Mitch and he was so angry with my answer that he told me from now on I would have to pay the premium, if I wanted the policy to stay intact. I did so when the first bill came, but I am working only part-time and also in school, so I really don’t have the funds to continue to do this. When I called Bill about making payments for my divorce proceedings and told him what happened, he said he would set up a court date to bring this to you, since he is obliged to pay the premium.

Judge

Mr. Mitchell, the fact that you have a new wife is of no concern of this court. However, the fact that you have violated the agreement so soon after the divorce is of great concern to this court. Do you have anything to say before I make my ruling?

Mitch

Just that I am also strapped for money, what with the bankruptcy, a new wife, a new job. The premiums on two separate policies are too much for me.

Judge

Sorry. The ruling from your divorce still holds. You agreed to the stipulations of the divorce and whatever financial problems you may have because of your new situation are irrelevant. In fact, you could be fined for not paying the premium, but since you are going to have to pay for these court proceedings, I believe that will be fine enough.

You are hereby required to keep the agreement of the divorce for the new policy. I see here that the term policy payment is only $100 per quarter ,as opposed to $300 per quarter for the former whole life policy. Your wife is generous enough to accept the change in policy, so I do not think it is too much to ask that you pay this premium. In addition to the court fees, you are also required to send Mrs. Mitchell a check within ten days for the premium she already paid for you. Is that clear?

Mitch

Yes, your honor. (Looks down at the floor.)

Judge

Case dismissed.

Mitch leaves and Kate & Bill stay to talk over the hearing.

Bill

Congratulations, Kate. If for some reason the check Mitch is supposed to send you does not arrive within 10 days, please call my office.

Kate

Thanks so much, Bill. These last six months have been rough, especially with his remarriage before the ink on our divorce was dry. He wouldn’t even buy Bekka a new dress for the event. He said he could only buy her a blouse. I had to borrow a dressy skirt from a friend. And then he refused to pay this premium. I’m glad I called your office.

Bill

So am I. Don’t be afraid to be strong on matters that you know you are right.

Kate

My older sister has been divorced for a long time. She said she had to grow a full set of nails to get what she had earned in her marriage. Then she told me it was time for me to grow mine.

Bill

That’s an interesting metaphor for strength— a full set of nails. I’ll have to remember that! Take care, Kate.

Kate

I will, and thanks!   (Kate leaves with a small smile on her face.)

End of Scene Three


Tags:
Posted in Articles on Divorce/Marriage | No Comments »

FULL COURSE DIVORCE: Act Three: Scene Two

January 19th, 2010

Act Three

Scene Two

Note: Again, winter pictures to reflect the mood, but a speck of sunlight may bring some changes.

Next Morning at Louise and Hank’s.

In this scene, Kate goes to Louise and Hank’s house for two days while Bekka is with Mitch. She cries a lot and they talk a lot and she sleeps on and off. But she asks the dr. for something to help her sleep, so at night she does not wake up terrified. She helsp Louise chop vegetables for the school fair and chops with a vengeance. It eases her anxiety…

Louise

Kate, do you feel up to helping chop veggies for the school fair?

Kate

Yes, I took the prescription the doctor gave me and slept really well. Hank’s bringing me over yesterday was really sweet of him. I really didn’t want to spend the night alone. Mitch will be bringing Bekka back after dinner tonite, so I can go home then.

Louise

Look, Kate, this is going to be a difficult time for you, so let people help you. I know you like to be independent, but learning how to accept help from people who care is important.

Kate

Yeah, I know. It’s just that I feel embarrassed about all of this. I never thought I’d be a statistic! I also feel angry and sad and confused.

Louise

Don’t you think that’s somewhat par for the course, considering what you’ve been through these last few months? Give yourself a break.

Kate

OK. You’re right. I guess I better make an appointment with my therapist. She’s been working with me all during the separation and I need to tell her what’s going on. She’s been very supportive.

Louise

Good! I believe that professional help is also important, because friends aren’t always objective and sometimes they give bad advice, even though they are well-meaning.

Kate

You’re right about that! I’ve been guilty of that myself, giving advice out of concern when I am not even sure what the person is feeling. Well, better give me the stuff to chop if we’re going to get the dishes ready for the fair.

Kate begins to chop quite vigorously. Louise says nothing. She figures it’s Kate’s way of getting rid of some of her hurt and anger. They work quietly for awhile.

Louise

(laughing)

You only have to chop the vegetables Kate, not massacre them!

Kate

(smiling)

Oh, right! I guess I was thinking how angry Mitch made me and I took it out on the vegetables.

Louise

Well, at least you’re smiling! For the last few weeks you’ve had a long face.

Kate

I know. These last few months have been my trial by fire. I thought I could work magic and put our marriage back together, but Mitch hasn’t really tried very hard. I feel as though I’ve been drowning and now I’m all the way under.

Louise

Kate, you have done everything to make your marriage work. I know you sent Mitch away the first time, but that was for your own survival. You’ve been to couples counseling, separate counseling, read a dozen books on relationships, and worked hard to help Mitch with the financial problems of the business. I think you have done as much as you could and if Mitch doesn’t make an effort, you’re just blowin’ in the wind.

Kate

You’re right. It’s just that I never even thought I’d be married and the idea of divorce is so scary. It feels hopeless. When you’re together, struggling, there’s still the element of hope. But divorce erases that hope.

Louise

But maybe your time together is over and you need to hope for a better future with or without a man.

Kate

Theoretically, I agree. But the ache in my heart doesn’t let me think rationally.

Louise

That’s why I’m glad you will be seeing your therapist. She’ll keep you on track.

Speaking of on track, I think we have enough vegetables for the stew, so let’s take a break and go out for a walk while the sun is still shining. The exercise will do us both good!

Kate

Good idea! I read in one of my books that exercise is a good way to ward off depression. Let’s go before I kill more vegetables.

Louise gives Kate a quick hug with one arm over Kate’s shoulder as they walk out the door with the stew cooking on the stove.

End of Act Three

Tags:
Posted in Articles on Divorce/Marriage | No Comments »

Full Course Divorce: Act Three: Scene One

January 15th, 2010

Note: The pictures today are recent ones of our last snow fall. This chapter seems to reflect the winter of Kate’s heart, so I though these photos would be appropriate.

ACT THREE

Drowning

Scene One

Kate

(Frantic & Talking Very Fast)

Hello, Louise. I’m  sorry to call so late, but Mitch left for good and Bekka is on her overnite from school and I’m all alone and woke up from a nightmare where I was drowning and I can’t breathe, and…..

Louise

Whoa! Slow down, Kate, you’re talking so fast that I couldn’t understand one word, except that Mitch left. I thought you two were going to give it a try until Bekka’s graduation.

Kate

So did I. But, the other nite he said he was finished and left the next day.

Louise

Sweetie, why didn’t you call me? I would have come over.

Kate

Well, I was okay the first nite. I went to Hope’s after Bekka left for the school camping week-end. I came back after Mitch moved out, so I wouldn’t have to watch him leave. Then I spent all day today working in the garden ’til I was exhausted and fell asleep before 9 o’clock. (Faster again) But then I had this awful dream that I was drowning and I woke up unable to breathe and with this terror in my heart that I felt like I was dying. (Starts to cry) I’m afraid to go back to sleep and wake up again with that awful terror in my heart….

Louise

I just got back from a Hospice case, so I’ll send Hank over to stay with you until morning, okay?

Kate

Oh, yes, that would be great. If I can just get through the night, I think I will be okay.

Louise

OK, just sit tight and Hank will be over in less than 15 minutes. He’s walking the dog and will be back in a minute.

Kate

Thanx  so much, Louise. I love you.

Louise

I love you, too. You’ll get through this. You have lots of support here.

Kate

I know. I know. I’m just so scared.

Louise

Promise me you’ll make yourself a cup of tea when we hang up. By the time you are ready to sit down to drink it, Hank will be there.

Kate

I will.

Louise

Bye, Kate.

Kate

Bye.

Kate puts up water for tea and paces all the while, tries not to cry, but starts to sob quietly. The teakettle whistles and startles her. She puts a tea bag in her cup and shakily pours the water and sits down, holding the warm cup with both hands and staring into space.

Shortly, the doorbell rings and Kate looks through her living room window and sees Hank’s car and then sees Hank through the front door peephole. She opens it quickly.

Hank

I came as soon as I got back from walking the dog. Louise filled me in. I’m so sorry, Kate. I know how hard you worked to keep this together.

Kate

I’m exhausted from all this effort, but I’m afraid to sleep because I think I’ll wake up again with this terror in my heart. (Starts to cry)

Hank

Putting his arm around her shoulder, Kate leans on him and sobs. He gives her his hanky.

Kate

Where did I go wrong? I tried so hard to do everything he wanted. I think he just doesn’t want to be married anymore.

Hank

Kate, don’t try to figure out love. You can’t be rational now. The best thing right now is for you to get some sleep. If I stay here, do you think you could sleep awhile?

Kate

I don’t want to go into our bedroom tonite.

Hank

No problem. You sleep on the couch and I’ll use the futon pillows to make a bed on the floor.

Kate

Are you sure? Won’t you be uncomfortable?

Hank

I’m tired enough to sleep standing up! (Chuckles )

Kate lies down on the couch while Hank arranges the pillows on the floor. Then he covers Kate who is already falling asleep. He kisses her forehead gently.

Hank

Sleep well, Kate.

Kate

I will, now that you’re here. (Kate drifts off to sleep.)

Scene one closes with both falling asleep to the sounds of the night.

End of act one, scene three.

Tags:
Posted in Articles on Divorce/Marriage | No Comments »

Full Course Divorce: Act Two

January 10th, 2010

Here is the next act of my playette.  Again, the glass photos by Dale Gihuly represents the fragility of marriage.

In Over Her Head

This scene takes place in Mitch and Kate’s bedroom; the bedroom is totally dark with a small sliver of light shining from the bathroom. Kate is already in bed and Mitch is in the bathroom brushing his teeth. He is very obsessive about brushing and always takes longer than Kate. He shuts out the light and climbs into his side of the king-sized bed, as far to his side as possible.  About one minute goes by with neither saying anything. Then Mitch speaks softly.

Mitch

This isn’t working. I have to leave.

Kate

I know it’s not working and I’m sorry. Can’t we give it more time?

Mitch

No. I have to leave….tomorrow.

Kate

Tomorrow? I thought we agreed you’d stay until Bekka’s graduation. It’s only April.

Mitch

I’ll be there for her graduation. I’m only going back to the cabin. I will see her every day and take her on week-ends, if you like. There’s room for her in the cabin.

Kate

That’s not the point and you know it. We didn’t want to disrupt her life any more than necessary. Your moving back to the cabin before the school year ends will really upset her.

Mitch

Just Bekka? What about you? Aren’t you upset I’m leaving?

Kate

Actually, I’m relieved and scared at the same time. Relieved that I won’t hear you talking to old girlfriends on the phone when you think I’m not around and scared that I will fall apart.

Mitch

I just can’t do it anymore. I want my freedom.

Kate

So you can screw anyone you want?

Mitch
(Raising his voice)

That’s unfair! I haven’t been with anyone else since we got back. The women I talk to on the phone are just friends.

Kate

Right! They wouldn’t happen to be the same “friends” you slept with when we were separated, would they? The only other female friends are my girlfriends you tried to lay unsuccessfully. You’re already lining up dates and you haven’t even left!

Mitch

I’m not going to argue with you Kate. I’m finished arguing. I’ll leave after Bekka goes to her school overnight trip. I’ll pick her up on Sunday.

Kate

No, if you’re leaving, I’m going to take her to my sister’s in Jersey for the week-end. She’ll be with family and it will be easier. And I’ll go to Hope’s overnight while Bekka is away. I don’t want to be here when you pack up and leave.

Mitch

OK. Whatever you think best. When it comes to Bekka, you seem to have a better handle on what she needs.

Kate

If you were home more, so would you!

Mitch

I know you’re angry and so whatever you say now is exactly what I expected. I won’t fight with you anymore. I told you, I’m finished!

With that, Mitch takes his pillow and goes into the den to sleep. Kate goes to sleep crying.

End of Act Two: Next installment mid-week.

Posted in About | 1 Comment »

Full Course Divorce: A Playette

January 6th, 2010

Note: Here is the first act of a “playettte” that I wrote; it is semi-autobiographical. I hope it rings some bells that can now be silenced into serenity.

Also, the photos are by Dale Chihuly, famous glass blower. Some are from a permanent installation at the Delaware Museum and others are from his wonderful website. To see more of this wondrous glass, go to: www.chihuly.com. Since marriage is so fragile, I thought pictures of glass might be appropriate for the play.

ellensue

Full Course Divorce

© 2010

A Playette in Four Acts

Act One: Going Under

Act Two: In Over Her Head

Act 3: Drowning

Act 4:Full Set of Nails

Act One: Scene One

Going Under

Kate and Mitch’s Bedroom

Kate
(Pacing and Enraged)

Get out! Get out! Get out of my sight! Less than 12 hours have passed since you told Norma you would take care of me when I hurt my leg. I’m bleeding, have terrible cramps, and can’t stand on my feet and you ask me why I didn’t ask for a drink of water with the Midol? What are you, a sadist?

Mitch
(Embarrassed)

I’m sorry, Kate. It’s just that I am so tired and you woke me out of a sound sleep….

Kate
(Almost in tears)

Ya know, Mitch, you’ve run out of excuses. There’s always a reason for your being mean, but I can’t accept your apologies anymore. They’re like the boy who cried wolf once too often. Your “I’m sorrys” don’t mean shit! Just get out!

Mitch
(Resigned)

OK, I’ll go to the cabin for a couple of days while you cool off.

Kate
(Strong)

No, Mitch. I want you to move out. We talked about a trial separation and I think this is the time to try it, before we are so angry with each other that one of us just files for divorce. I want to save our marriage, but right now I need some time and space to think things through.

Mitch
(Almost speechless)

But what about Bekka? What will you tell her?

Kate
(Still strong)

The truth, for once! She’ll be 14 soon, She knows what’s been going on between us. She’s got eyes and ears. Fortunately, she’s still upstairs sleeping. I always let her sleep in on Saturdays.

Mitch
(Concerned)

Ok. Then I will stop by later to see her and talk to her myself.

Kate
(No longer angry)

That sounds good. In fact, why not take her out for dinner. I’m still working on some of the recipes for my cooking column and I could use a couple of uninterrupted hours to get the recipes into the computer.

Mitch
(Still concerned)

Can I call you from the cabin?

Kate

Just come here by 6 o’clock to pick up Bekka. That will give me time to talk to her and time for me to get rid of these cramps. God, I wish I was menopausal!! Kate allows Mitch to help her back into bed and hook up the heating pad for her cramps. He quietly gets dressed and packs a few items. Her anger spent, Kate speaks kindly.

Kate

Please don’t take all your clothes while Bekka is here. Wait until Monday after she goes to school. I think it will really upset her to see you pack.

Mitch

I think that’s a good idea. Can we still see Norma for our counseling session?

Kate
(Becoming exasperated again)

Mitch, I just don’t know. Let me get through this weekend and see from there.

Mitch

Oh, all right, I’ll go….for now.

Mitch gathers a few things and quietly closes the bedroom door and leaves. Once the door is closed, Kate cries softly as the scene ends.


Act One: Scene Two

(six months later)

Local Coffee Shop

Kate
(Hesitant)

Thanks for meeting me, Mitch. We’ve both been avoiding seeing each other, but I think I can talk now without getting angry.

Mitch

I know what you mean. I was so angry when you kicked me out I didn’t know what to do with myself. But the cabin is comfortable and I get to see Bekka a lot.  And we’re not fighting. So that’s good!

Kate
(Still hesitant)

Well, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I’d like to give our marriage another chance. We’ve put 28 years into this thing, raised two kids and are still raising Bekka. I don’t want to throw it all away without giving it another try. My therapist thinks it’s worth a try. What do you think Norma will say?

Mitch

Sometimes I don’t want to go to Norma. I felt we should both still use her for marriage counseling.

Kate

I know you do. But she seemed to favor you and I wanted unbiased counseling.

Mitch

Well, at the last session we had together, she seemed to think divorce was our only recourse.

Kate

That’s one reason I changed and now go to Sandy. I thought Norma was wrong in implying divorce was the only answer. Therapists aren’t really supposed to give advice. They’re just supposed to help you make up your own mind after seeing all the options. Actually, Mitch, I think Norma has a thing for you.

Mitch

Don’t be ridiculous!

Kate

Listen, lots of therapists have affairs with their clients. It’s unprofessional and not part of the training, but it happens. But I don’t care about Norma’s feelings towards you. I care about your feelings towards me.

Mitch

I don’t know, Kate. You kicked me out once and that really pissed me off. I’m beginning to feel that the article you read to me about separate but equal accommodations for long-term marriages might work for us. I kinda like being footloose and fancy-free.

Kate
(Controlling her anger)

With my friends! Bev and Marti already told me you practically propositioned them. Can’t you find your own women?

Mitch
(Smiling)

Jealous?

Kate
(Annoyed)

No, actually, the operative word here would be embarrassed. They have been our friends for years, and now that we are separated, you want to hit on them? It’s embarrassing!

Mitch

Sorry, when we made the agreement that we could date during our trial separation, we never said whom we could date.

Kate

True. But I never dreamed would ask our friends for a date, Now they are embarrassed to call me and I am embarrassed to call them. During times of troubles, women stick together and confide in one another. You have made that more difficult for me.

Mitch

I apologize for making your friendship more difficult, but not for asking them out, They are single and free to date, although no one accepted, probably because of your friendship for them. So I think you are safe to assume your relationships are intact.

Kate

I sure hope so. More importantly, I think we have a long history with our marriage and should give it a second chance. (She touches his arm.)

Mitch

I will do it on one condition. We make a list of what to do in the event this should not work out, so there are no ambiguities.

Kate

Like what?

Mitch

Well, for example, rules about dating while waiting for the divorce so we don’t run into this problem again about your friends. A list of who gets what, if we do divorce. How we work out child support and child custody.

Kate

Isn’t this list a little premature? I was hoping that getting back together would mean staying together.

Mitch

Sorry, I don’t share your sentiments. We can have a trial period of getting back together and review it every few weeks and then make a decision based on the next few months together.

Kate

I like the idea of reviewing our relationship every few weeks. But I want to make a commitment that we try to work this out, and if for some reason it doesn’t, you’ll at least stay for Bekka’s graduation from grammar school.

Mitch

I agree. This separation has been hard enough for her. I don’t think we should disrupt her life any more than necessary.

Kate

Thanks, I hoped you would agree to that. (Awkwardly) Well, when would you like to move back in?

Mitch

School starts next week and I would like to be here when Bekka begins, so how about if I clean up the cabin the next few days and move in over the week-end? Maybe we can go to the shore and spend Labor Day week-end as a family.

Kate
(Relieved)

I think that would be great! Bekka will be happy.

Mitch

And you?

Kate

Excited and scared, but ready to try!

(Tentatively, Kate and Mitch move towards each other and hug as both this scene and Act One end.)

Note: Act Two will be posted over the week-end.

Tags:
Posted in Ramblings | 1 Comment »

Reflections for the New Year

January 2nd, 2010

My friend Barb, who is also divorced, owns a health food store in Williamsport, PA and has a one-page article each day on her store’s website: www.freshlife.com. We have collaborated often on projects and share similar values. The most recent posting by Barb is too good not to share, so with her permission, I am re-posting this wonderful list of ideas for 2010. I agree with all of her ideas! Please go to the website and subscribe. One page a day is easy to absorb.

Reflections on the Eve of a New Year
Barb posted this New Year's Eve

Tomorrow, a new year and a new decade extend before us with hope and uncertainty. Are you planning to make any New Year’s resolutions?

Statistically, the most popular resolutions have to do with losing weight and getting in shape. Unfortunately, the average life span of most New Year’s resolutions is about 7 days.

Rather than giving up chocolate or vowing to exercise 4 times a week, perhaps we would be wise to pause tonight and meditate on the ways we can open ourselves to change.

What would happen if we all began to look at the world a bit differently? After all, when all is said and done, we are promised to reap what we sow and receive what we give. Here are a few suggestions:

  1. Keep learning. The best way to sharpen your mind is to learn something new. Life is an exciting classroom; don’t make plans to graduate.
  2. Spend time with cheerful friends. The chronically grouchy can rob your energy and your joy.
  3. Live in the moment. It’s truly all there is. If you dwell on the past or anticipate and worry about the future, you miss the simple beauty each moment holds.
  4. Allow more room in your life for laughter. Watch a funny movie, or better yet, find some children to play with. Discover the freedom and joy in their mirth.
  5. Surround yourself with what you love. Make your home your refuge and fill it with family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, and whatever is lovable that you love.
  6. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it.
  7. Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the beach or the mountains or even another country but refuse to buy (or accept) a ticket for a guilt trip.
  8. At every opportunity, tell the people you love that you love them
  9. Whatever it is that makes you feel most alive and most connected – do it more often.
  10. Choose life, embrace forgiveness, and remember that no one is in charge of your happiness but you.

I wish each of you a new year filled with expanded awareness, greater joy, better health, exciting adventures, and above all, more love. Barb Jarmoska, Freshlife founder

A friend sent this and remarked that it looked like a giant snowflake. I used it on www.menupause.info, but love it too much not to put it here, too.

Posted in Ramblings | 2 Comments »

Holidays & Beyond: A Review of The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio

December 25th, 2009

PrizeWinnerIMG_0261

The holidays are often difficult, especially when you are recently divorced or separated. I just finished a book about a widow and her first year in widowhood and the feelings are just not the same. The best way to get through the holidays, I think, is to spend them with family and friends who are loving, not judgmental. Also, you might go to some funny movies or read a book that lifts your spirits. Such a book is The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio by Terry Ryan, whose memoir about her mother Evelyn Ryan is funny and sad, motivational and uplifting, entertaining and educational.

Because I love rhymes and jingles, this book was especially enjoyable to me. Even if there were no rhymes, this book is a winner.  The core of the book is Evelyn Ryan, an energetic, resouceful mother raising 10 children in the 1950s-1960s. (Everything was also familiar to me, since that was when I was growing up. The oldest child is my age.) The subtitle is a good clue: How My Mother Raised 10 Kids on 25 Words or Less.

Even though Evelyn Ryan was married, her husband was an alcoholic who spent most of his paycheck on liquor, so Evelyn basically raised the kids as a single parent. In fact, she probably would have been better off if she had been single, since her husband put their homes in jeopardy because of his spending habits. (He redeemed himself somewhat at his death,leaving a $60,000 legacy that Evelyn kept for her children.)

To keep the family afloat, Evelyn Ryan wrote jingles and last lines for brand name products, radio stations, or motherhood that those of us from the 40s and 50s may relate to or remember. For example, she wrote this rhyme for CBS Radio that won her only $1.00, not for a product, but for a state of being as a mother with kids:

Lawn Time No See

When I survey
My barren plot…
Long stamping ground
For tyke and tot

I must conclude
It’s clear (alas!)
One cannot grow
Both kids and grass!

This one is for Dial soap:

Dial is wonderful, colorful stuff!
For amplest protection, Dial’s always enough!

However, Evelyn Ryan was a bright mother with a background in writing and knew one entry might not be enough to win, so she would enter  many, many times, using different versions of her name or even one of her children’s names. She wrote 11 or 12 rhymes for Dial soap, keeping all her entires in notebooks that she saved. (They became a primary source of information when Terry wrote the book, with input from her siblings.)

While Evelyn earned only a few dollars for many of her entries, she won BIG several times. She once won $5,000 that kept her from losing her first house, and the last big win of two weeks in Switzerland, a car, and almost $4,000 kept her from losing her second house, which her husband had remortgaged and neglected to repay on the loan.

What is most important about this book is not the funny and clever rhymes, but about Evelyn’s unflagging optimism and commitment to raise her children the only way she knew how, with her wits! She did not drive, did not go to college, and could not work with 10 children at home. She used her intelligence (graduated valedictorian from high school) and background in writing a column in her step-grandmother’s newspaper to churn out jingles, ends of rhymes, and short stories that kept the family sometimes only days from poverty’s door.

Except Evelyn never had a poverty mentality. She had a winner’s mentality, always entering contests and even influencing her children so that they also entered contests and won. And after she joined a group of other women who were also contesters, her support from them gave her even more incentive and tips to winning more contests.

The book is written by sixth child Terry Ryan, whose writing style brings this book alive, making it funny as well as realistic, introducing Evelyn Ryan to us so that we know her. Incidentally, it was made into a movie with Julianna Moore (on the cover above), but I have not been able to get it yet. I do want to see it, because the author was consulted on the film, making me believe it will reflect the true story of this miraculous mother.

Since today is Christmas, I thought I would end with a jungle Evelyn Ryan wrote just as a way of expressing herself, which she often did. (Not all her jungles went for contests, but just for letting off steam. I can relate to that!)

In the Red

An old Christmas custom

too strong to resist:

You run out of money

but not out of list.

I love this book! It is a testimony to ingenuity, positive thinking, and survival! When you are feeling low about your situation, read this book and be inspired. The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio is published by Simon & Schuster and costs$13.00. (I bought mine used for $3.99 from Amazon.com). I think the original copy I took from the library had a different cover, since the book was published in 2001 and this cover is from 2005.

Here’s to a Happier, Healthier, Heart-Warming New Year!

Tags: ,
Posted in Book, Movie, andWebsite reviews | 1 Comment »

« Older Entries