I am merging Divorce-Dayz with Menupause. Please go to www.menupause.info and click on Relationships, the new name. It will include divorce, dating, remarriage or not, and family ties.
Hope you will continue to read divorce-dayz under menupause.
Thanx! ellensue
Here’s Deb after yoga, the way I know her.
Deb came of age just about the time Women’s Lib came on the scene. She has worked all her adult life, 34 years, first at Subaru and now at GlaxoSmithKline Pharmaceuticals. In fact, she is Vice-President of Human Resources for GSK Oncology, a newly formed global business within GSK Research & Development. She’s corporate all the way!
Just as life is what happens when you are making other plans, Deb had not intended to work full time after her two children were born. Or, at least, she wanted to have the option of not working full time. Never happened. After the birth of her son Ben (now 22), her husband became ill and was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, a little known ailment in 1988, when it was declared an illness. So, 16 weeks after the birth of Ben and again, 16 weeks after the birth of daughter Alexa (now 19), Deb was back at her desk.
She did arrange to work only four days each week, a breakthrough arrangement at the time. She was home Mondays and her husband was home Fridays, so the children were in day care only three days a week until they started public school. Then, after being together for 17 years (14 married) her husband did not want to be with her any more and even though they went for marital counseling, that didn’t work and Deb and her husband divorced. She said, “My whole life imploded.”
With an incapacitated husband, Deb became the breadwinner at a time when working moms were being lauded because Women’s Lib changed society’s attitude about working mothers. But Deb never had the option of staying home while her children were very young and she is still working full time, at least until her daughter finishes college. Deb still works four days at her office and one day at home, so she is definitely full time as a mom and a VP.
Here’s Deb as corporate VP
I know Deb from yin yoga class. She “parks” her mat right behind mine, so we chat before class and sometimes after. She is smart, attractive, and competent. We talked about how smart women often get the “short end of the stick,” as it were. If she weren’t such a capable breadwinner, would her husband be more forthcoming with financial help for the children? Maybe. If she weren’t so committed to her children, would her ex have taken on more responsibility once he got well? I doubt it. (Women tend to bend over backwards when their children are involved.)
My personal feeling about this is based on my own divorce. I think my husband was intimated by the fact that I was smart, at least as smart as he was, and in the end, more intuitive about our business, which went bankrupt after I left and had warned him to close before I moved away. Women’s Lib did not necessarily change men’s minds about feeling the need to be smarter than their wives, although my younger brother readily admits his wife is smarter than he is and seems to enjoy that. (I think he is an exception, but then he is my brother!)
Deb seems to have handled her life well. She has raised two children —-they were 9 and 6 when she separated—- managed to land two very important corporate jobs, and admitted she is not interested in marriage, just companionship. Life doesn’t always deal us the hand we dreamed about, and the reality is that many of us who have been divorced were burned pretty well and now gun shy about remarriage. (I was single for 13 years before I took the plunge with much trepidation.)
Deb is fortunate in the sense that she has had a strong career track to make possible the care of her children through college. But soon I think she will be ready for a change. She has had no time for a midlife crisis, like her husband did, and she looks forward to being a mentor to women who also need to make choices about family and career. I was inspired by her story and hope you will be, as well. There is nothing wrong with being strong and confident. If we want to date after divorce, then we need to pick companions who celebrate and appreciate our energy, aliveness, and intelligence. Otherwise, why bother?
Happy Single Mother’s Day! Have a good day, whatever your state of divorce, singledom, dating or remarriage may be.
NOTE: A few weeks ago I announced that I would be shifting from writing only about divorce to moving onto exploring relationships and possibly remarriage, since I am remarried. This book is about dating and I learned a lot about myself from reading it, even though the author is single and has never been married.
The subtitle of this book, “The Case fro Settling for Mr. Good Enough” is actually unsettling to me, because I don’t think author Lori Gottlieb really comes to that conclusion. Instead, through exploring her own saga of finding “Mr. Right” she discovers or uncovers that maybe she has been wrong about her assumptions for dating and marriage. The book is a sometimes painful saga of how Lynn managed to be in her early forties (with a son) and yet has never found her”perfect match” or “soul mate.”
Through a thorough exploration and investigation of the dating and single life, calling on researchers and dating exports for help, Lori Gottlieb honestly searches her premises about marriage to see why the right guy has not appeared. In Part One, she asks: “How Did We Get Here? which explores romance and dating, including a speed dating experience that is both funny and sad.
In Part Two the author looks at “From Fantasy to Reality,” discussing a topic she calls: It’s Not Him, It’s You. She begins to realize that maybe she was looking for love in all the wrong faces, deciding not to go out with a guy because he did not have a certain look. For example, with the advice of Evan, a “personal dating trainer,” she accepts a date with a man who wears bow ties, even though it is a turnoff.But when she meets him, she learns that his grandfather wore bow ties and when he dies,left them to his grandson, who wore them as a tribute to grandfather. So the turn off was no longer such a turn off.
In Part Three, Gottlieb digs deeper with “Making Smarter Choices,” telling us we shouldn’t be so picky and discussing the men who got away because she was nit picking. In Part Four, The author discusses “What Really Matters” and gets down to the nuts and bolts of what she needs as opposed to what she wants. And in Part Five, “Putting it All Together,” the author posts some of the stories of her friends and their quest for love and marriage, ending with her own story.
This is an important book for single women, because Lori Gottlieb is brutally honest about where she thinks she went wrong in her search for a marital partner. And she really doesn’t say to settle so much as to advise single women to look closer at the values or the list from their twenties and maybe thirties, which misguided her into letting go some men who turned out to be great husbands and dads. (She has kept tabs on a few of the men that got away.) In the chapter called “The Men Who Got Away,” she writes about an old friend Andy and says:
“If I could go back in time, I’d date someone like Andy in a second. Not because I’d be settling, but because different things are important to me now—and should have been all along.” (p. 171)
I admire Gottlieb for her total honesty about herself and the missteps she feels she made along the way to finding love, romance, and a husband. One of the matchmakers she consulted said that romance is “about the evolving relationship,” not just the roses and instant attraction. She also spoke with a doctor who specializes in relationships, commented that he “thinks that many single women today bring a sense of entitlement to dating.” If the guy doesn’t adore her, like in a fairy tale, she sends him on his way and waits, alone, because ‘Some Day Her Prince Will Come.’
The quote by the author above and this one below are, to me, the crux of the book:
“What I didn’t realize when I chose to date only men who excited me from the get-go (without considering the practical side of things), is that what makes for a good marriage isn’t necessarily what makes for a god romantic relationship.” (p. 227)
I really liked this book and learned a great deal about why I made certain decisions when I was dating after my divorce and why my attitude about marriage was totally different the second time around. While this book is written by a woman young enough to be my daughter, I admire her research skills, her reporting, her sense of humor, and her painful honesty.
When I re-opened the book to do this review, I spotted the dedication page for the first time, and this is what it says: “For my husband, whoever you are.” I chuckled. On the cover is a comment by screenwriter Diablo Cody (Juno) who calls this book an entertaining reality check that will have the readers laughing and squirming. I heartily agree and recommend this book. Forget Dear Abby and read Marry Him. It is available from Amazon.com by clicking on the link below.
I trust that writer and author Lori Gottlieb will follow her own advice given in the book and find a man she can love, respect, and enjoy. I think people are meant to be partnered with someone to share the ups & downs of life and love.
Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough
While browsing through the new book section of my local library, I came across this title and took it off the shelf. Just browsing through it made me think: “Where was this book when I was going through my divorce?”
Attorney Janice Green has done a terrific job of gathering all the essential information for divorce in this book released in 2010 by Nolo: Divorce After 50: Your Guide to the Unique Legal & Financial Challenges. The Introduction, entitled “Your Late-Life Divorce Companion” starts with this appropriate statement:
“Divorce at any age is a time of upheaval. But after age 50, divorce has a different feel, a different context, and a collection of issues not encountered by younger spouses.” That little nugget of information sets the tone for this excellent guide on mid-life divorce. As the author notes, the first chapter and last chapter serve as bookends for the chapters in between, which are more technical. Let me elaborate.
Chapter One, the first bookend, is entitled “How Did I Get Here? The Rhyme and Reason of Late-Life Divorce.: In this chapter are many of the stories by real people who came to Green for help with divorce. I identified with many of their thoughts. It also deals with some of the basic issues of divorce you have or will encounter, such as Lacking Common Purpose and Social & Cultural Forces. The last chapter, the other bookend, is entitled “Survival Stories,” and as I read them,I realized that many of the elements of the survival stories resonated with me, not that I have been divorced a long time.
However, if you are now contemplating divorce or are in the middle of one, the chapters in between these bookends will probably be the most helpful. The chapters include such topics as Your Divorce Options (ex. mediation & collaborative divorce), Marital Property, Assets, Debts, Taxes, Health Care and Financial Survival. There are also helpful Appendices on making an inventory of your assets, liabilities, and living expenses as well as contact information.
As one woman “survivor” noted, as her marriage unraveled and her world started spinning , friends and family noted that she was out of control. And this is what she wrote:
“It is absolutely true, and I am loving every single minutes of my out-of-control free fall. I fell like I am finally on a zip line experiencing life in the way I did so every long ago…without a plan, by the seat of my pants, impetuously, impulsively, with a wide-open mind and no destination…just a journey…the journey. MY JOURNEY!” (p.303)
This book will take you through the maze of divorce from a legal standpoint and also from an emotional standpoint, because the stories of pain and passion surrounding divorce are from real people who have survived. Get this book! The cost is $29.99 and well worth the money. Contact www.nolo.com for purchasing information if you cannot find it in your bookstore.
Note: My friend sent this and I thought it might inspire you if you are going through a rough patch in your divorce or post-divorce new life. Hope it does inspire! The flowers are my addition. I took these photos the other day when I went to our local library….first signs of Spring!
Planting the Garden of your Soul inspires the Grace of the Angels to work in your daily life. You will be making clear intentions for the requirements you need to be happy so you can harvest a more bountiful future. The northern hemisphere is experiencing the Spring Equinox, a season of new birth and renewal. If you are in the southern hemisphere, planting your inner garden now will allow you to create a winter focus that will bloom in its proper time.
Equinox is the optimum time to plant a personal garden within your being. This timely action will bring great rewards as you till the soil of your life, elevate your thoughts and enhance the beauty around you on many levels.
What does it mean to plant the Garden of your Soul? It is really very simple. What are the qualities you most want to see manifest in your life? What are your goals and dreams for a joyous future? What needs have to be met so you can be happy? These are the seeds to plant within the garden of your being.
When you plant the seeds of growth and renewal, it can be a fun, creative and positive way to promote a joyous, abundant life. Consider those things you most want to have thriving in your interior garden. Maybe you would like to plant the tiny seeds that lead to Abundant Prosperity? Perhaps you want Harmony in all your relationships? What about planting the seeds for Health and Well Being deeply within your heart so they can grow with zest and vibrancy? The soil of joyous potential exists within you and awaits your attention.
Are you too busy to plant your Soul’s garden?
These vast exalted ideas actually require very little time during your busy life, full of commitments and deadlines. In fact, the small amounts of time you give to planting and nurturing your interior garden will enhance every area of your life with a bountiful return. It is said that when a person takes one step towards the Divine, this Higher Power will take ten steps toward you.
As you remember that you are a part of all Creation, a new sense of gratitude wells up in your heart, and brings you a sense of connection. This gratitude carries the sparks of Divine Light that uplift your spirit and become the catalyst for new growth within your life. As you look at the flowering of Nature around you, it can remind you that the same beautiful new growth is taking place within your very being.
Let your imagination soar as you bring forth those magical qualities in which you wish to live. Nothing is too large to dream in order to manifest a happier life. Feeling the joy of creating something fun by dreaming big will raise your vibrational frequency and when this occurs the energy field around you expands. Doors will open that you have not imagined possible. It is your open mind, and a heart unencumbered by doubt and self-criticism, that attracts new growth and evolution into your life.
Planting the Garden of your Soul inspires all the help you need to live life in a more joyful way so your needs can be met with grace and ease.
How to plant the Garden your Soul
Since every new project requires some thought and planning, when you begin your inner garden, make it creative and fun. It could be a beautiful work of art with lots of color, magazine pictures or a painting. The shape your interior garden takes could be a pattern that inspires you, like a spiral. You could decide just to make a list of those qualities of consciousness you want to experience in your life. The action of writing will assist the energy of your garden.
The Angels of Creativity are available to work with you in this project, and can inspire you so it will be fun. When your inner spirit is stimulated in this way, new life flows into your mind and heart, and you feel uplifted. This increased energy flow attracts more joy and you feel happier, which in turn, brings more creative ideas and a sense of well-being. It is the beginning of an upward spiral that blesses this garden within you with new empowered energy. Your life will begin to change in surprising ways.
When you see old patterns of thought and action manifesting, and you begin to feel stuck in problematic energies, consider them to be compost for your new garden. Ask the Angels working in your life to help you pull these weeds and transmute old ways of behavior with Divine Light. This will help feed the garden of your soul with loving energy. It is like adding a little water every day to help work the compost of old ways into the fertile soil of your garden. Soon you will see the new sprouts of a different way of being.
Rejoice in this vibrant growth knowing that as you respond differently to old situations, you will receive fresh, positive results in every area of your life. By focusing a little bit every day on what you want to see manifest in your life, you provide a new structure so your interior garden will thrive.
This is a painting by Hollis Sigler (1993) called To Kiss the Spirit and found it first in an art book from The National Museum of Women in the Arts. It was painted as her way of coping with breast cancer, certainly a time when your soul needs attention. ellensue
Bask in the Sunlight of Divine Illumination
The Garden of your Soul has amazing potential to bring you the life you want to experience. Opening yourself to new thoughts and behaviors attracts assistance in ways you never knew existed. This beautiful garden thriving within you becomes a Beacon of Light. Many people will love to experience your inner garden and support you so it will flourish. This new growth and thriving space within you reaches out to bless the world, and in turn you will be blessed.
As your garden comes into fruition, you will find your life nourished in bountiful ways. The company of Heaven awaits you as you begin planting these seeds for your new life. Bask in the sunlight of Divine Illumination. Breathe it in deeply and let it nurture the new growth within you. Know the Angels will joyously assist you in weeding out the old ways that no longer work so your garden will thrive with new life.
You are never alone. You are continuously blessed and are being guided as you open to a new way of being. Let all the frantic activity in your life drop away as Divinely-inspired action takes root within the garden of your life. The fullness of your being will enrich your life’s purpose, so your next steps become very clear.
There is a flowering beginning all around you, and within your heart. Allow yourself to be loved and nourished as you plant the Garden of your Soul. This process is bringing a beautiful balance into every area of your life.
You are a precious being, worthy of all you aspire to receive. Know deep within your heart that all is well.
And so it is.
Shanta Gabriel
For Archangel Gabriel
Copyright: March 8, 2011
Note: This is a new poem by my classmate, Mary Lou, whose new book of poems is in the works. Because I went through divorce as an older woman (early 50s), her poem resonates for me. Maybe it does for you, as well, if you also went through divorce at midlife. I have posted some flowers for added beauty to the already beautiful poem.
As February, the month of love, comes to a close, I thought you would like to read this story which is all about love, but from the angle of food. Divorced or not, we have to eat! Which reminds me of a true story my older sister told me when she was going through her divorce. Her soon-to-be ex-husband complained to the judge about paying my sister alimony, saying my sister had been an adulteress. The judge replied, “Even adulturesses have to eat!”
This was an article by Public Television’s “Cucina Amore” chef Nick Stellino that I saw many years ago in US Airways Attache magazine (December, 1997) and is reprinted with the magazine’s permission. It is his memory when he first understood the connection between COOKING & ROMANCE.
When I was a child, the traditional Sunday lunch in the Stellino household was a simple, sometimes hurried affair.
One day, I remember my mother preparing pasta with lima beans and Swiss chard—a family favorite. As soon as dessert was finished, my brother Mario and I sprang from the table to get to the soccer stadium where our home team, Palermo, was playing against our loathsome rivals from Catania. We bolted from the house,leaving our parents to a much-deserved quiet afternoon together.
When we arrived at the stadium, I realized I had left the tickets on the dresser of my room. With a resolve that is still legendary, I ran the 12 long blocks home as fast as my feet could carry me to retrieve the forgotten tickets.
As I entered the front door of the house, huffing and puffing, I heard the strains of a romantic song which I recognized as a favorite of my parents–an oldie from their dating days. I quietly made my way to my room, grabbed the tickets, and headed out. As I passed down the hallway, I saw that the floor of the living room–our salotto–was ajar. My curiosity overcame my anxiety to get back to the stadium since the salotto was almost exclusively reserved for receiving guests. I pushed the door open softly to get a glimpse of the unexpected company.
In the soft shadows of the shaded room, I saw my parents in each other’s arms, gently swaying to the music. My mother, still in the yellow rubber gloves she wore for washing dishes, eyes closed, rested her head on my father’s shoulder. Except for the scratchy sounds of the music, the room was utterly silent.
Feeling as guilty as an uninvited guest, I quietly withdrew, closed the door behind me, and tiptoed out of the house. I don’t remember who won the soccer game that day, but whenever I think of my parents, I like to remember them the way I saw them that day—young, in love, and dancing in each other’s arms.
It is so curious how these memories of family and food are at times so vivid. Even today, when I see my parents—a little older, a little slower, but still very much in love—I see them dancing. I smell the rich aromas of my mother’s kitchen. And while I can’t promise that all of the recipes in my books will do the same for your memories, you can never tell what will; happen when you cook anything with a little bit of love.
I just posted a poem on my website: www.menupause.info (Click on This ‘n That) because I met my second husband about this time eight years ago. If you are fretting because you are alone on Valentine’s Day, take heart. You are never to old to fall in love! I have reprinted the poem here in case you don’t want to go to my other site:
Dorothy, I Love You!
(Refers to Dorothy Parker, cynic, writer, critic,poet—my favorite writer!)
His kiss—-like butter on my neck.
Someone to love? Oh! What the heck!
His face like morning’s light, shining.
Does he like me? Oh, stop the whining!
What am I to do?
What am I to say?
Maybe just say nothing
And just take time to pray…
Pray it’s not too soon for him;
This is no childish whim.
He’s been wounded and so have I.
Oh, God, I think I’m gonna cry
Unless he calls me ev’ry day
With funny words that leave me gay,
Until we two find our way
Without our feelings kept at bay.
His voice like New York in the morn–
Oh! I forgot, he’s Philly born.
Let him mend and not be torn
Between old love and one not worn.
His kiss like butter on my neck:
I think I’m fallin’. Oh, What the heck!
This posting was prompted by the morning sky. I took the picture about 6:30 am, just as the new day was dawning.
I just reviewed a book on my website, www.menupause.info (Click on Book Reviews in the left hand margin) called Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout. It is not really a love story, but rather about a woman who realized that love when your older is still love.
If you are an older person who is now divorce or about to be or just divorced,do not despair. One of my favorite movies is Love Among the Ruins with Katherine Hepburn and Sir Lawrence Olivier. By the time I was 65 and single for 13 years after 30 years of marriage, I thought love was past tense. But then I met my husband Alan, who was 69, and realized that love knows no age. Here is part of Robert Browning’s (1855) poem, also entitled “Love Among the Ruins” found in Wikipedia.
Oh heart! oh blood that freezes, blood that burns!
Earth’s returns
For whole centuries of folly, noise and sin!
Shut them in,
With their triumphs and their glories and the rest!
Love is best.
Have a heartfelt Valentine’s Day, alone or with someone. Celebrate LOVE in its many garbs: love of family, love of friends, love of pets, love of LIFE!
P.S. You may want to check out my stepson’s video called Love is Love is Love. Go to www.jayjacobson.com and click on the video.
This poem was sent to me by my stepson, Jay. It is from Daily Insight, which he receives in his email. Since I feel that Valentine’s Day may be a difficult time for anyone going through a divorce or are in a post-divorce funk (It was for me.), I thought this poem would be helpful:
The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was
yourself.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows your heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
Peel off your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
by Derek Walcott, Winner of the 1992 Nobel Prize in Literature
Buy a Valentine present for yourself!
