Forgive- stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake. From The Oxford American Dictionary

Dayz of Forgiveness

Note: I have touched on this topic in an earlier post, but this goes deeper into this difficult subject.

My brother Harry took this picture of a water lili on a recent trip to Botswana. I love the simplicity of the picture.

Forgiveness didn’t come easy for me, and I suspect it is not easy for most women married a long time, especially when the husband has been verbally or physically abusive, cruel, and retaliatory. At some point, however, you need to think about forgiveness if your life is to be filled again with love, light, and laughter. Most husbands won’t ask for forgiveness. They may not feel they did anything wrong, and therefore offer no apologies. They are too angry or proud or guilt-ridden. So if you are expecting some miracle to bring him to his knees, forget it!  If you have something to apologize for, don’t be afraid to do so, but not in a way that will compromise what you are legally entitled to. Sometimes an apology will help make the divorce proceedings a little less painful for you, that is, from your viewpoint, since that may make you less retaliatory and vengeful, and help you to think more clearly, since there will be nothing on your conscience.

So many of the trees are bare now, but there is the hope of Spring. Sometimes we need to rest so we can renew our strength, too.

The real miracle is being able to forgive yourself for anything you may have done during the marriage or divorce to create problems for yourself, your children, and your ex. (If your husband was physically abusive, there may be nothing you did that needs apologizing. Perhaps what is needed here is forgiveness for yourself in what you did not or could not do to stop the abuse.) Once you can forgive yourself for anything you may or may not have done, you may find forgiveness for others easier, including your husband’s family, so-called friends, and your ex-husband.

This is the last tree outside our condo with leaves.  Soon they will all be gone.

This is a slow, gradual process, and in my case, an ongoing process. The longer I held onto my old anger, the harder I found it to get on with my life.  This does not mean that subsequent events after the divorce will not make you angry, especially when your ex violates terms of the divorce.  But then the anger can be more in perspective to the rest of your life, rather than taking over your life. As my therapist said, the issues surrounding my divorce became a small, dark cloud over my head, and I filled that imaginary sky with wonderful puffy clouds in a dazzle of blue, so that the tiny gray cloud was barely noticeable.

I took this picture on the move, so it is blurry and out of focus, which is what I often felt while going through my divorce.

However, divorce does leave its scars.  My “civil” relationship with my ex-husband is still tainted with bad memories of the latter years of a painful marriage and the five years between separation and sanity. I hear what he says, but since I no longer have to agree with anything he says, I can accept or reject his remarks, without impunity.  His lack of integrity during our separation and subsequent divorce puts him in the Do Not Trust category, so I am cautious rather than caustic; sincere, but not sympathetic, and resilient instead of resentful.

Have you ever noticed how some flowers can grow between the cracks and survive? Sometimes, in divorce, we also need to push through the cracks to survive.

The freedom of making my own decisions is coupled with the responsibility of being accountable for my own actions. They work in tandem. However, making mistakes now isn’t so bad.  There’s no judge in the background, except my own conscience. The consequences and benefits of my actions are not linked to another person who belittles my behavior, reduces my rewards, or pricks my prose. My husband was not a brute, but in many ways and like many of us, including myself at times, he gave with one hand while he took with the other.

Hopefully, with forgiveness, you will feel light enough to float like these balloons!

In New Age jargon, I have learned to tap into my “higher power,” the force bigger than me that guides me when I listen to my gut, and not to any guru. Not everyone, thank Goddess, has to go through a divorce to grow up. It’s a painful way to accomplish this lifelong task, and yet many women, especially the over 55 generation, seem to be in suspended animation during marriage. Not until they are divorced do they really begin to be the person they might have been sooner, with a different partner or no partner at all. After all, I have learned there are worse things than not being married, like never being able to see a blue sky, or hear the thunder in a storm, or watch your children grow into beautiful adults.

This was taken when we visited Monterey, CA last year. Sometimes water can be cold and unforgiving, like it was on this day, but yet there is always some pull that the water has, no matter what the season.

Some people believe we enter these relationships as part of a larger lesson, that these husbands had something to teach us before we can move on. Perhaps, but I am sure there are less painful ways to grow up.  But I do know that if they are our teachers for awhile, we need to forgive them for their sometimes cruel lessons along our path to learning who we are and what we are capable of accomplishing, with or without a mate.  In the movie Iris, played by the wonderful Dame Judi Dench (older) and Kate Winslet (younger), Iris Murdock always seemed to have a strong self-image and confidence that I wished I had as a young woman.  She has become one of my role models, as have other strong women like Betty Friedan an Bella Abzug.

This deer seemed quite content to much on grass as we traveled through Bryce Canyon National Park. Being alone can sometimes be helpful.

Marriage is not always marvelous. Divorce is often devastating.  Forgiveness is often very finicky. The simple life is not always that simple. What else is new? Love is out there and inside you.  Hopefully, not everyone needs to experience divorce to learn to love oneself, but if divorce is your reality, see it as a stepping stone to a life that you can create and re-create again and again.  In the meantime, which is the title of a wonderful book by Ilanya VanSaunt, don’t be afraid to love again.  The heart is flexible. It can break and mend and break and mend. Just give it time!

This is another water lily photo my brother took. I love the one flower standing tall and alone in the water, but surrounded by Nature.

Special Note to subscribers. I accidentally deleted this posting whenI  was working on my next piece, so I am posting it again. Ignore if you have already read this. Thanx! ellensue

I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is. I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute. Rebecca West
From: 1,0003 Great Things About Being a Woman by Lisa Burnbach, Ann Hodgman, & Patricia Marx

Note: This lesson was written after my divorce.  However, a little over one week ago (10/15/2009), I was keeping an eye on my grandson while my daughter was away, and in one day, the weather went unexpectedly from Fall to Winter.  The pictures between the paragraphs show that mercurial change and prompted me to rename this tip “Unexpected Dayz.”

Fall in State College (Oct. 13, 2009)

You may have begun to realize that your husband no longer lives by the rules of your marriage.  For example, one of my ex’s favorite sayings was “My word is my bond.”  During our separation period, we wrote out a property list in the event our separation and subsequent reconciliation did not work.  It didn’t.  When I went back to his office to retrieve the computer, which was part of this list, the door was purposely locked so I could not take what was mine.

When I questioned him, his reply was, “The paper wasn’t a signed agreement.” I reminded him that he always said his word was his bond, but he ignored that and continued to keep the computer until he went bankrupt. When he finally gave it to me almost two years later, it needed $750 to repair and a new one was only $1,000. So I borrowed money and bought a new one, since I was still freelance writing to supplement my income. The money he promised to give me for repairs was rescinded, since I bought a new one. Figure that one out!

Peak foliage in State College Oct. 13, 2009

The lesson here is to expect the unexpected and also to keep track of every promise or commitment made and broken. If you can afford marital counseling, I suggest you both go, soon.  We did, but by then, it was too late, so think about seeking counsel when the problems are small, not big.  If you can salvage your marriage because both of you work at keeping it together, great!  But if you know divorce is in the air, retain legal counsel as soon as possible. Start an ex-file with names, dates, and places of important incidents to bring to discuss with your lawyer or use in court.  My file, which I called The Ex-Files after the popular TV show of that time,  became so fat I had to subdivide it.

A magnificent example of Fall in State College

Do your homework.  Find out your rights as a spouse.  For example, any items you owned before marriage such as inherited pieces of furniture or jewelry, are yours and not joint property to be divided at the time of the divorce.  Also make a duplicate, either by putting everything on your computer hard drive with a back-up disk, or typing or handwriting it and photocopying it.  List all the items you want to keep because of their sentimental value or financial value.  Give a copy to your lawyer.  If his recent behavior suggests your husband won’t be playing fair, put valuable in a bank safe deposit box of your own.  Remember, when someone is very angry, behavior can be unexpected, so again, expect the unexpected and be prepared by removing your pre-marital personal valuables into a safe place.

If you have younger children living at home and expect a custody battle, find a therapist to help you evaluate the situation.  Your school psychologist should be able to help you as part of his or her job, so no fees will be involved, unless you choose to have private sessions away from school.  Don’t be afraid to express your financial concerns, and if necessary, check out Domestic Relations in your county.  I used their services when I began having problems with child support for our youngest child still at home.  This is no time to be proud for the wrong purpose.  You and your children need a clean and safe place to live.  If you expect anything amiss when your husband has the children, obtain a court order to investigate your suspicions, since your children are caught between their mother and father and may be afraid to say anything.  Keep an ex-file on his visits, such as keeping them well beyond the time they should be home in bed.

“Flaming Foliage” before the storm, Oct. 13, 2009

If you give your husband custody, then make sure your court order delineates the times you and your husband have agreed upon as visit times, including nights during the week, week-ends and holidays.  Make sure the children have a decent place to live and sleep and are not neglected. You may want to include in your divorce agreement that neither of you move so far away that visits become difficult and expensive.  Staying in the same or contingent state is often a fair solution, since one of you may not want to stay in the same town you now live in once the divorce is final.  I moved from Pennsylvania to New York, about four hours east for about three years while the final separation, bankruptcy, and divorce were taking place.  Then I moved back to PA and my ex moved to NJ, so visits were still not too difficult.

Fall to Winter photo taken from the bus on my way home from State College, October 15, 2009.

Take nothing for granted in the money and property departments. Again, if you have joint credit cards, dis-joint them.  If you have money of your own in a joint savings account, get it out and open up another account in a different bank so your husband doesn’t have access to your money. (Hopefully you have been putting money away as you felt things were amiss.)  If somehow you are afraid he can get his hands on your money, ask a trusted friend or relative to put it in their savings until you need it.

The same parking lot at my daughter’s that had “flaming foliage” only the day before!

As I mentioned in a previous tip, I was not smart with the money I had inherited from my father.  I gave it to my husband to put into an insurance policy that made me the beneficiary.  Unfortunately, the bank took that when my ex went bankrupt. From the money I invested in that policy, it would have rolled over into a type of retirement policy, so that at age 62, each of us would have received $10,000 for the rest of our lives.  Instead, at 62, I had to file for early Social Security to pay my rent. My advice is to take out a separate insurance policy or separate IRA if you inherit money.  If you do not divorce, then you can share the earnings when the time comes.  There is nothing like having your own money to use as you wish.

In short, all the rules and guidelines and promises made while you were married don’t apply during divorce.  So start making up your own rules (read: demands) to protect you and your children from being “greased and fleeced.”  Some time ago, I saw the biography of Lauren Hutton who admitted that her boyfriend of 20 years managed her money.  Despite her frequent questions about her investments, she never pursued the issue, and when he died, she found he had spent $35,000,000 of her earnings. They were gone!  If someone as rich and smart as Lauren Hutton can be fleeced, I cannot urge you enough to be cautious. If the women’s movement did nothing else but empower us to stand up for what we have earned as women and wives, it is worth the struggle for maintaining your self-esteem and self-confidence.  You were partners in a relationship that is dissolving, and partners have rights, in business as well as marriage. Stand up for your rights!

From Fall to Winter in one day. Picture taken October 15, 2009.

A Divorce Dayz Quote:  Recently I asked my neighbor Hank a question as part of a conversation we were having about how long we were married the first time. I had been married 30 years and he had been married about 27. 

Ellen Sue:  Hank, can you name me one good thing that came from your first marriage?
Hank (without batting an eye) replied: Yes, my divorce!

 

He’s leaving. Or you are. Now you know the divorce is becoming a reality.  Either he’s announced he’s leaving or you have asked him to leave, or some combination of the two. You’ve ranted and raged, or screamed and cried, or moaned and groaned, prayed and begged, or crawled under the covers and closed out the world. Maybe you have done all of these, and the reality is still unreal.

When my former husband left six weeks before our joint decision to stay until our youngest child, a daughter, finished grammar school, I was devastated.  And I knew he was leaving! Didn’t matter. When he actually packed up and left, I was bereft. I had gone the night before to stay with my dear friend Hope, because I did not want to be around while he was packing and leaving. Two days after he left, I felt a terror in my heart that I can only explain now as total abandonment. My good friends Jack and Karen were my immediate support. Jack came over and let me cry through a box of tissues. Then he slept on the living floor, all six foot six inches of him stretched out on my futon pillows, and I fell asleep exhausted on the couch.

For another six weeks I walked around like a zombie, and for months afterward I would pinch myself and say to myself, “Is this really happening?”  It was and here are some of the hints I pass along to you that I believe need to be addressed right after the two of you separate for good.  Above all, remember this quote from Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life: “We must be willing to begin to learn to love ourselves.”

 

What to Do When You’re at Ground Zero

1. If he has threatened you with physical harm, call the police and file for an order of protection. You may also have to go to a women’s resource center or safe shelter if you are in fear of your life. Run, don’t walk!
2. If he has threatened to take the children, call domestic relations to find out your rights and obligations.
3. Close down any joint accounts with credit cards and banks.  Transfer your money to a new account. (Hopefully, you have started to put away some money on your own, as you felt the divorce might actually be happening.)
4. If it is legal in your state, change the locks on your doors, especially if you are afraid of physical harm. (One of my friend’s ex-husband’s broke the new locks and “stole” the Christmas decorations for his new place, so be sure you install safety locks if you are worried.)
5. Find a lawyer.  If you cannot afford a private lawyer, go to the Legal Aid Society to find out about free advice. (You might want to consider this earlier if you know for sure you can’t hire private counsel. 
6. Take gentle care of yourself and your children.  Eat healthy food, rest when you can, gather support from family and friends. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. That’s what friends and family are for.
7. If you work outside the home, arrange for some personal business days so you can meet with your lawyer, the police, the bank, or anyone who you need to see to protect yourself, your children, and any material assets you may have.
8. Share your crisis with people who care about you or those you are in contact with you regularly.  Most people are sympathetic, and even if they can’t help you directly, they may be more understanding when they know what’s happening.  Long explanations aren’t important. Just tell them enough to alert them there are personal changes you need to address.
9. Seek professional help if you feel you can’t keep yourself together enough to get a fair shake in the divorce. There are mental health clinics that charge on a sliding scale, and even private therapists who may do that.  (I was fortunate that the lawyer who led the divorce support group I joined helped me privately through my court hearings, charging a sliding scale, according to what I could afford.) If therapy isn’t your style, try a divorce coach, a mediator, a minister. All of them will help you sort out the issues and keep you focused.

No matter how much you use these hints and prepare yourself for life after divorce, you may still feel angry, frustrated, depressed, and overwhelmed.  All these feelings are natural in the light of what you are facing.  Don’t be hard on yourself. Now is not the time to dwell on blame, but rather to focus on what you need to get through the next few months, or even the next day.  Taking it one day at a time was even a stretch for me; rather it was moment to moment. Each moment counts, so count the moments lovingly!

 

UNCOUPLED

Distant thunder
Hearts asunder

So much pain
So little gain

Armored heart
Breaks apart

Marital sins
Lopsided grins

Married strangers
Bitter angers

Said & done
No one’s won.

Most of us have clues that our marriage is in trouble and choose to ignore the rumblings.  The first rule, then, is to “listen to your gut. “Your gut never lies, as my therapist Joyce has told me.  Don’t ignore that queasy feeling in the area of your stomach or the “clues” you may be getting and ignoring.

Have you noticed that your husband isn’t very affectionate lately?  Does he avoid eye contact? Does he barely kiss you good-bye in the morning or when you are taking the kids somewhere? Does he feign exhaustion too often when you want to make love? Or do you?  Maybe none of these signs is there, but you just know something is wrong between you.  Screw up your courage and ask him if he’s having an affair?  Or just ask, “What’s going on?” Catch him off guard or after a great dinner.  Unless he’s an expert liar, you’ll know. If you are the one stepping out of the marriage, maybe it’s time to “come clean.”

 

If you are getting strong vibrations or suspicions that something is amiss, face them head-on. This won’t be easy for most midlife women brought up in a culture that placed the husband at the head of the house, or as the TV sitcom of earlier decades stated, “Father Knows Best.” Nonsense! Father does not always know best!   Gather support from trusted friends and family. Try some “couch-time,” as my son calls therapy.  Go somewhere quiet and pray, whether it is a church or a forest.  Buy a dog and run with it, as one reader recommended.  Get a babysitter for the week-end and go to a lovely spot where you can think and come back with a couple of plans, a main one and a contingency, back-up plan.  Write it down!

If you have been writing down your thoughts (a good time to start a journal if you have not already done so), sorting through your feelings, talking with trusted family and friends, then when the beginning of the end comes, your bounce-back time will be easier.  Because you have fortified yourself ahead of time, the support you have established will provide a kind of safety net.  Not until my divorce did I realize how many true friends I really had, and I learned to accept help as a sign of strength instead of weakness. I needed that support.  Being a strong woman does not mean doing it alone; rather, strength also means knowing when you need help, whether it be a long talk with an old friend, some couch time, or a good cry.  Take time to have some good cries.  A good cry does wonders for the heart! 

CRYING

The car is a good place in which to cry; no one is watching as you drive by.

You can weep and curse and scream a release; no one hears you, you can cry in peace.

The shower’s a good place to let the tears flow; they mix with the water & you can let go.

The stream of the shower drowns out your pain. You need to cry so you won’t go insane.

Crying’s one way to deal with divorce, but it won’t feed your kids, of course, of course!

But after the tears, like after a storm, you can hug yourself—feel safe and warm.

So cry in the car, or cry in the shower. Don’t be afraid, you won’t lose your power.

The tears will soften the pain in your heart…

Help you begin again—-Let’s start, let’s start.

If you are quite sure that you are headed for divorce after spending quality time with yourself, make at least some small steps in that direction.  But first, take one big step and remove your name from any joint credit cards you may share with your husband, whether they are personal or business joint accounts.  My ex-husband claimed he was going to destroy our joint cards.  Since I had my own personal credit cards, taking my name off the cards never occurred to me, because I left him in charge of the business, and trusted he would do as he said.  Big mistake!  After our divorce was finalized, I received a bill for $7,700 from one of our supposedly defunct credit cards. My husband was going bankrupt and my name was still on the card.  I could not pay the bill and spent three years reinstating my credit.  What I needed to do, and did not realize, was to contact all three credit agencies and let them know about the divorce, alerting them to remove my name from any joint credit cards.

If you feel your credit is in jeopardy, contact the following three credit reporting agencies:

www.equifax.com

www.experian.com

www.transunion.com

If your husband admits or announces he wants to leave the marriage, you may not be prepared for the sinking feeling in your heart, no matter how prepared you think you are.  Even when you make the first move, the shock (or relief) may still happen, because once he leaves, all hope of ever making the marriage work vanishes. A friend once said told me that until the end finally comes, there is still some thread of hope that things will work out.  Once you (or your spouse) has actually left and the end is “for real,” all hope dissolves and you may not be prepared for what you will  feel. Finally, no matter what you do when you expect the worse, you may not be fully prepared when the end finally comes.  So, expect the unexpected, and keep your support system around you.  It will really make a difference!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PREFACE

 Take this marriage thing seriously—it has to last all the way to the divorce. 

Roseanne Barr,  Printed in Parade, July 12, 2009.

 

In my mother’s day, getting a divorce was considered a shonda (Yiddish for shame). Even if it wasn’t exactly a shonda, it was talked about in whispered tones, like the way diseases were uttered in one of Neil Simon’s movies. But now, hoo ha, as my grandmother would say, divorce is almost an epidemic, since approximately 50% of first marriages ends up in divorce court, and the rate is even higher for second marriages failing. (See previous posting on Marriage: Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off!)

While there is no “cure” for divorce, I do believe in rehabilitation, or repair of the heart after divorce, especially a painful one.  And there is some comfort in numbers. At least you are not alone.  Knowing that many couples get divorced may not ease the shock, shame, or suffering in the beginning, because it still hurts like hell. However, there may be some comfort knowing you’re not crazy, especially when you have been married a long time, have children, and this is your first divorce.  (And hopefully, your only divorce!)

 

I am not sure that a second divorce is any easier, since I have experienced only one.  But maybe your skin is a little thicker and the pain doesn’t last as long, or relief sets in sooner because you have learned some coping skills from the first divorce.  Of course, the scars from any divorce may not ever quite disappear, no matter how many frogs you kiss, hoping one will turn into a prince. (Right!)

This guidebook is not for everyone, especially those who are still waiting for their Prince Charming to sweep them off their feet and take them to “yon castle” to live happily ever after.  Basically, it is for women who are thinking about, or going through, a divorce after a marriage that has lasted at least a dozen years. Long enough to need new sheets, long enough to miss a bed mate, and long enough to be removed from the dating scene and feel out of sorts about the singles scene.

 

If this book does fit your profile, then you will find suggestions and support, but no pity parties.  Divorce is not for wimps.  Pity won’t keep you warm in your bed, pay your bills, or empower you to get your head off your tear-stained pillow and start doing the work necessary to build your case for court or rebuild your life after The Big D.

One of the reasons I wrote this guide is because I could not find this book when my then husband and I separated in 1990, after three weeks shy of 30 years of marriage. Even if no one reads it, the writing has been a catharsis for me, so it has been worth the effort. This is my “in the meantime,” a term from the book of the same name by Ylanta VanSaunt, a popular guest on Oprah.

Divorce can be devastating.  It can drown all your theories above love everlasting.  It can also be painful, like ripping the bandages from a cut on your arm, and having all the little hairs come off with the bandage.  It stings!  At the same time, divorce can be an eye opener and a relief/release of the pent-up feelings that might have been fomenting for years.

 

 

 

My prayer is that by reading this guidebook, you will be less devastated and more empowered by the “divorce experience.”  If you can transform your fears into courage, your rage into action, your anger into forgiveness of self and eventually your husband, you will win even if you lose all your material assets, as I did.  Because what you will hopefully (re)gain will be your confidence, your self-esteem, your self-respect, and your dignity.

You’re a class act, so get out there and strut your stuff! The world is waiting for your gifts……♥

Written on 3/25/02, except for the quote from last week’s Parade Magazine

 
Notes:

1. The photos in the Preface are from a recent trip to Longwood Gardens about one hour from where we live. Great place to heal!

2.One of the outlets for my anger, sadness, and rage was writing rhymes. Some of the rhymes will be scattered throughout the text in the appropriate chapters.  Here’s one that seems to fit the Preface.

Dazed & Dazzled

5/8/02

Forgot to be me

before I was Mrs.

No time to be free–

Dazzled with kisses

that clouded my mind

            and strangled my heart,

Myself yet to find.

Too young from the start

to be husband and wife

            and live just as one.

In this game called Life,

Was I still having fun?

 

But then came the rain;

            darker clouds came back.

Am I insane?

            to step on the crack

That became a quake

            to toss my world

Like shake and bake,

all crispy and curled,

Served cold or hot

It doesn’t matter.

Dazed a lot—

“the suburban mad hatter.”

 

When at last

the storm did end;

I reclaimed my past

            and around the bend

The sky was blue…

             a rainbow appeared,

And dazzled the new ellen sue—

            no longer I feared.

 

One door shut tightly;

            another opened wide.

Learned to step lightly;

 let the sadness subside.

So bring on the sun

            and even the rain.

They’re the dazzle of Life…

            both pleasure and pain.

 

Now I’m a grown-up

            late in the day.

Don’t hang the phone up;

Don’t forget to pray.

For Life is for living

            to grab all the rings.

It’s taking and giving;

            it’s arrows and slings.

 

No magic cure.

            No single road.

No way to be sure.

            No puzzle to decode.

There will always be questions

            with no answers in sight.

Just one final suggestion—

            Live & Love in the Light.