Archive for December, 2009

Holidays & Beyond: A Review of The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio

Friday, December 25th, 2009

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The holidays are often difficult, especially when you are recently divorced or separated. I just finished a book about a widow and her first year in widowhood and the feelings are just not the same. The best way to get through the holidays, I think, is to spend them with family and friends who are loving, not judgmental. Also, you might go to some funny movies or read a book that lifts your spirits. Such a book is The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio by Terry Ryan, whose memoir about her mother Evelyn Ryan is funny and sad, motivational and uplifting, entertaining and educational.

Because I love rhymes and jingles, this book was especially enjoyable to me. Even if there were no rhymes, this book is a winner.  The core of the book is Evelyn Ryan, an energetic, resouceful mother raising 10 children in the 1950s-1960s. (Everything was also familiar to me, since that was when I was growing up. The oldest child is my age.) The subtitle is a good clue: How My Mother Raised 10 Kids on 25 Words or Less.

Even though Evelyn Ryan was married, her husband was an alcoholic who spent most of his paycheck on liquor, so Evelyn basically raised the kids as a single parent. In fact, she probably would have been better off if she had been single, since her husband put their homes in jeopardy because of his spending habits. (He redeemed himself somewhat at his death,leaving a $60,000 legacy that Evelyn kept for her children.)

To keep the family afloat, Evelyn Ryan wrote jingles and last lines for brand name products, radio stations, or motherhood that those of us from the 40s and 50s may relate to or remember. For example, she wrote this rhyme for CBS Radio that won her only $1.00, not for a product, but for a state of being as a mother with kids:

Lawn Time No See

When I survey
My barren plot…
Long stamping ground
For tyke and tot

I must conclude
It’s clear (alas!)
One cannot grow
Both kids and grass!

This one is for Dial soap:

Dial is wonderful, colorful stuff!
For amplest protection, Dial’s always enough!

However, Evelyn Ryan was a bright mother with a background in writing and knew one entry might not be enough to win, so she would enter  many, many times, using different versions of her name or even one of her children’s names. She wrote 11 or 12 rhymes for Dial soap, keeping all her entires in notebooks that she saved. (They became a primary source of information when Terry wrote the book, with input from her siblings.)

While Evelyn earned only a few dollars for many of her entries, she won BIG several times. She once won $5,000 that kept her from losing her first house, and the last big win of two weeks in Switzerland, a car, and almost $4,000 kept her from losing her second house, which her husband had remortgaged and neglected to repay on the loan.

What is most important about this book is not the funny and clever rhymes, but about Evelyn’s unflagging optimism and commitment to raise her children the only way she knew how, with her wits! She did not drive, did not go to college, and could not work with 10 children at home. She used her intelligence (graduated valedictorian from high school) and background in writing a column in her step-grandmother’s newspaper to churn out jingles, ends of rhymes, and short stories that kept the family sometimes only days from poverty’s door.

Except Evelyn never had a poverty mentality. She had a winner’s mentality, always entering contests and even influencing her children so that they also entered contests and won. And after she joined a group of other women who were also contesters, her support from them gave her even more incentive and tips to winning more contests.

The book is written by sixth child Terry Ryan, whose writing style brings this book alive, making it funny as well as realistic, introducing Evelyn Ryan to us so that we know her. Incidentally, it was made into a movie with Julianna Moore (on the cover above), but I have not been able to get it yet. I do want to see it, because the author was consulted on the film, making me believe it will reflect the true story of this miraculous mother.

Since today is Christmas, I thought I would end with a jungle Evelyn Ryan wrote just as a way of expressing herself, which she often did. (Not all her jungles went for contests, but just for letting off steam. I can relate to that!)

In the Red

An old Christmas custom

too strong to resist:

You run out of money

but not out of list.

I love this book! It is a testimony to ingenuity, positive thinking, and survival! When you are feeling low about your situation, read this book and be inspired. The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio is published by Simon & Schuster and costs$13.00. (I bought mine used for $3.99 from Amazon.com). I think the original copy I took from the library had a different cover, since the book was published in 2001 and this cover is from 2005.

Here’s to a Happier, Healthier, Heart-Warming New Year!

Survival Tip #8 : Money Dayz

Friday, December 18th, 2009

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Take heart! The world is new to us each day, so there is another chance for renewal!
I took this photo from our tiny patio at 7 am last week. I love the dawn!

Money is the often the last  power struggle in divorce. In my case, my husband went bankrupt with our family business and was able to convince the court he was destitute and did not have to pay alimony for one year. Of course, by the time we were divorced, he was already living with wife #2-to-be, so he wasn’t destitute, but I had no way to prove otherwise.

Every older woman has her money story, and usually it isn’t pretty. I received a response from one reader who has written a book about this subject and I will post an excerpt next week.  Too often, divorce means that the women (and children) need to change their money habits and make their sights considerably lower.  Here are some tips that might help. (I may have written some of these in a previous tip, but I think they are worth reiterating.)

“You can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you.”
quote by Mary Tyler Moore in Believing in Ourselves: The Wisdom of Women, Edited by Susan Feuer, Ariel Books

1. Open a separate checking account  and savings account without your husband’s name as soon as you smell trouble.  Use a different bank as well.

2. Take your name off any joint credit card accounts, NOW!

3. Be frugal with your spending; save what you can for your future without your current spouse.

4. If you are earning money separately from your husband and chip in for household expenses, consider a new arrangement if you or your husband have filed for divorce.

5. Shop around for a lawyer who will take payments over time, if the fee is more than your monthly budget can handle.  My lawyer was very fair about doing this.

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This winter grass seems to survive even in the cold. So can you!

6. Pay off as many debts as you can, so that when you separate, you are not in debt, unless it is a college loan or another loan that cannot be paid off all at once. Make arrangements with the company for time payments.

7. Consider taking unwanted clothes, costume  jewelry, accessories, etc. to a consignment shop to sell.  It may not be a lot of money, but it is one way to unload what you don’t want to keep and any extra cash is helpful.

8. If you have any valuables in a safety deposit box, remove them and place them in another box in another bank.

9. Don’t count on your husband’s promise to “take care of you” financially. If you settle out of court, get everything in writing. I didn’t and I lost more than I could have.

10. If you earn more than your husband and believe you will be required to pay alimony, hire a financial person to help you with this dilemma. My friend’s husband wanted half his wife’s eventual retirement money, but with help she was able to avoid this trap. As she said, “He had my past; he won’t take away my future!”

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On my walk with my neighbor last week, we spotted this lovely bush with bright red berries, holding its own in the cold.

Please feel free to send me any survival tips that worked for you. I can print them anonymously or with your name….your choice.

Note: Last posting I used some quotes from a book called Eat, Drink & Remarry.  The editor, Rosalind, told me the book can be purchased directly from her. Her address is: www.rosalindwarren.com. This little book would make a good gift to someone going through divorce, because it offers comic relief.

Ex’s Third Time Around

Friday, December 11th, 2009

Note: The quotes today are from a little book called Eat, Drink and Remarry: What Women Really Think About Divorce, Edited by Roz Warren, a local librarian. The cartoons are from the Internet.

When my husband remarried a second time, six months after our divorce, the ink was barely dry on the final papers.  On the day of his wedding, I felt weird. That marriage lasted about three years. Now he is remarrying a woman he has been living with many  years. When my daughter told me about the invitation, I felt curious, but nothing more.

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“Divorce: Fission after fusion.” Rita Mae Brown

Since my ex’s wedding day is tomorrow, Dec. 12th, I decided to look for a poem I wrote when he announced his second marriage, back in 1993, in case you have experienced this and feel as weird as I did then. I finally found it!

It’s OK You’re Getting Married

It’s OK you’re getting married: it’s ok to have a wife.
I don’t carry if you remarry; I already have a Life!

What’s not ok is how you left me, how you left me all the hurt–
All the broken, empty promises, like a dinner without dessert.

Telling me lies was oh, so easy; keeping my computer was the worst!
All the words locked up inside me; all your needs were always frst.

So go on and get a new wife; you’ll be unlucky #4.
And when it’s over, don’t show up at my front door.

I no longer miss your face, your hugs or your kisses;
I’ve moved on, you can have your brand new Mrs.

My life is like Nirvana; every day I feel brand new,
Growing miracles in my own backyard–rows of marigolds–a golden hue.

It’s ok you’re getting married; actually, I will be fine.
For you see I am now a Goddess* and love only those Divine.

And Divine is not your style, and compassion not your speed ;
I love being on my own now.  Thank God it’s not you I need!

I forgive you for being stupid, for breaking promises left & right.
Just don’t forget the child support, or they’ll come for you at night.

Our life was over long ago; you killed our married life.
Time to bury the broken dreams; so OKAY not to be your wife!

* When I lived in Israel, I took the name Elah. Twenty years later I found out it was the feminine name for God

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“Half of all marriages end in divorce—and then there are the really unhappy ones.”

Joan Rivers

December 10th-Human Rights Day

Thursday, December 10th, 2009

Yesterday and a few days before I posted 50 Ways to Lose Your Husband, a tongue in cheek list for fun. Now I turn to a much more serious subject that I posted on my website: www.menupause.info on the topic of “Women’s Rights are Human Rights.” Since divorced women often feel their rights have been trampled on, you may want to go to my website and click on Health Flashes/Special Reports.

Next week I hope to post information on financial problems that often follow divorce.

AILOGOimages-2Amnesty International is directly involved with human rights.  The article on my website, www.menupause.info, gives more information.

Part Two of How to Lose a Husband

Wednesday, December 9th, 2009

Here is the last half of the 50 ways to lose a husband, with the last five blank for you to send me your ideas, no matter how ludicrous!

Note: The photos for today were taken right outside our condo when we had our first snow fall in Philadelphia over the week-end. Despite the snow, the ornamental kale continues to bloom!

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26. Ask him to take care of a grandchild, niece, or nephew for the week-end, because you have a women’s conference you forgot about.

27. When you go on a trip, insist on taking maps or a GSP so you won’t get lost, just because he won’t ask for directions. (Joke: The reason Moses wandered for 40 years in the desert is because he wouldn’t ask for directions, either!)

28. Stop getting up at 6 am to drive your husband to the airport for a meeting, especially if your day is already busy.

29. If you work at home, rearrange the house so you have a real office (as he might), not just a corner of the kitchen, even if it cuts into his space.

30. When his mother comes to visit, ask him to clean the toilet bowls, because you are too busy with other house chores.

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31. Go away on a personal or business trip just as he returns from one of his.  Tell him to save what happened to him until you return.

32. Shave your legs with his new razor and forget to tell him about the razor.

33. When you go to another city, lose your husband in a mall for a couple of hours. Turn off your cell phone.

34. Throw out his favoriote old, ripped work shirt. Tell him it shredded in the washer.

35. Slowly drive him crazy by misplacing his tools.

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36. Use his keys to drive the car and then forget where you put them.

37. Don’t help him make arrangements to see his divorced buddies or unmarried friends.

38. When he forgets his briefcase, don’t bring it to the office for him.

39. Make social faux pas with his corporate buddies. Better yet, flirt with them!

40. Dress like a stripper the night of the annual corporate dance and dance with other men.

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We have two large planters in front of our lobby, both of which have ornamental kale, so this is a different photo than the first one above.

41. Stop faking orgasms if you are still having sex!  Tell him when he is an inconsiderate lover.

42. Suggest he dye the gray in his hair as you do yours.

43. When he needs to entertain his boss and wants you to make dinner, tell him to have the meal catered.

44. Buy flowers for yourself on important occasions and tell him they are from a male friend.

45. Stop believing he knows more than you do; he doesn’t!

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46. Your turn

47. Your idea.

48. Your input.

49. Your input.

50. Anonymous suggestion.

Joke from a  friend apropos Tiger’s being in the woods! A little boy is being bathed by his mother. He looks up and asks her, “Mommy, are my brains in my penis?” His mother answered, “Not yet, honey. Not yet!”

How to Lose a Husband:Part One

Sunday, December 6th, 2009

With all the brouhaha and hoopla over Tiger Woods’ infidelity on top of  David Letterman’s confession a few weeks ago, I thought a little humor was needed.  Actually, I wrote this when I was going through my divorce and came upon it the other day waiting for an opportune time, and I think today is the right time!  Even then, I recognized the need to lighten up!

The original title was: Fifty Ways to Lose Your Husband, with thanks to Paul Simon with a song title of a similar name. I will post the second half in a few days.

Note: My brother took these photos on his recent trip to Zambia & South Africa. Don’t forget the seasons are opposite to ours, so flowers are in bloom and water is running, not freezing. He has a great eye!

#5SoAfrica (25)

1. Stop serving your husband’s favorite dishes.

2. Start serving his least favorite dishes several times weekly.

3. Forget to pick up his favorite suit from the cleaners so he has to wear something else for an important meeting.

4. Stop listening to his problems at work.

5. Remind him he needs to exercise to keep his weight down.

6. Lose 10 pounds and don’t say anything. When other men notice how great you look, just smile and say thank you.

7. Insist he go shopping with you for your dress for your daughter’s wedding.

8. Ask him to pull weeds from the garden.

9. Tell him that since he forgets to put the lid on the garbage, rats are beginning to come around.

10. Bring up a household problem that hasn’t been resolved, like water in the basement.

#1SoAfrica (39)

11. Stop laughing off or laughing at any remarks that are chauvinistic or derogatory towards you and tell him you are offended by them.

12. Flirt with younger men and women.

13. Don’t allow him to advise you about money. If you need help, ask a close friend or relative.

14. If he doesn’t want to go out anymore, start going out with friends that like to go dancing or out to dinner or to a play.

15. Save up for a trip you have always wanted to take and he would not go. Go with a sibling, a friend, or a colleague.

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16. Stop enabling his destructive habits under the guise of being “the good wife.”

17. While he’s going through his midlife crisis, have one of your own so you won’t be tempted to pamper him.

18. Stop helping him pick out clothes that match Let him mismatch on his own.

19. Don’t put his mail in the same place every day. Let him look for it in different rooms.

20. When he misplaces his keys/glasses/wallet, don’t help him look for them.

#8Zambia (30)

21. If you have a joint savings or checking account, insist on dividing them, NOW!

22. If you have a joint IRA, divide it as soon as possible, so you can have your share to spend or re-invest.

23. Forget to send his family  greeting cards for special occasions.

24. Learn to fix a flat tire without his help or maybe hire a local college kid teach you.

25. Cut out the food coupons and important notices before he reads the paper.

#6SoAfrica (26)

When I post the next set, I will ask you to send in your ideas for the last five or so.  If you decide to use some of these ideas, it may help you let off some anger without doing much damage, since by this time, the damage may be irreversible.  IF you think you can save your marriage, then I would not suggest any of these, except separate bank accounts and investments, just in case…..